Sent from Seventh Deep

Learning oneself is enlightening, and knowing who we really are gives us a peace of mind.

Of late, i often go thorugh the web, taking different tests that can help me get to know myself better. I went through IQ tests, personality tests even just any stupid tests just to see if it fits what i feel about myself. Some are rather accurate like personality tests by mypersonality.info. Some are just plain wrong because the tests are not comprehensive in testings (like colour test, where we simply pick colour which come across our mind).

One test that is enlightening to me is the personality disorder test, albeit doing it just for fun. I found out that i have Schizoid Personality Disorder. I went through the desription in wikipedia, and I find that I understand it well. Although I am not of the extreme cases depicted in the examples, The description is nevertheless mostly true about me.

I’m lazy and lack the will to do labourious work. I don’t compete with other (even in games; i don’t play DotA against human player, i play the sims and simcity etc). I play by the rules and rarely breaks them (when i sit in the car next to the driver i always wear the seat belt no matter the trip length, how straight is that?). And finally, the key characteristics of a schizoid, i don’t have emotional attachment.

I laughed at people who dates, seeing them as serious in something as unsure as the weather. I see premarital loves as nothing more than a word, a word that is easily broken with another word. The only connection that i see are permanent (or at least semi-permanent) and sure are familial relationship and postmarital attachment. There is some truth behind this philosophy, and i believe that this philosophy guides a happy and carefree life. Dating? It only adds to your responsibility when there is actually no moral, religious or societal obligations. The responsibility attended only answers to the emotional need, the feeling of longing and belonging. The love, when it does not last, it usually ends bitterly. I see people broken and despaired over nothing more than a simple feeling. I see people messed their life over this unreal connection.

I don’t exactly fear the emotional attachment, since fear for me is just another feeling that is unjustifiable unless the risk is proven. I just don’t find that emotional attachment is, well, unjustifiable as any other feelings. The happiness that comes with the package is of course irresistible, but the feeling of lost when it breaks is usually much more hurtful, as much as i have observed. People with the attachment commonly barely able to let go and usually will never be able to learn to. For me, its just pointless.

But then again, when i ponder further after my self-discovery, i find that emotional attachment is part of human being. It is part of the chemistry in our brain - in a human brain - that ensures the survival the species over thousands of years of existence. It is there to make sure that life during marriage lasts.

Still my philosophy is not entirely wrong. Premarital love nevertheless is still unreal. The responsibility that comes with it not related to, as i said earlier, moral, societal or religious obligations. It is simply to satisfy the emotional need, and we should keep in mind that we should not let our heart goes over our head. But, my philosophy stands to be corrected. The emotional attachment vis a vis marriage attachment is important, as to keep spouses together, giving them more meanings in their relationships, where although the three abovestated obligations are important, the simple feeling of satisfaction and happiness is also the key purpose of love. Now, I see that love is justifiable, just like fear that is justifiable when we are trapped in a cage full of lion.

Am I devastated when I found out that I am a schizoid?

No.

Am I content with who am I right now?

Not exactly.

Am I going to keep on living a schizoid?

Possibly.

Am I going to find a treatment?

Yes.

I do not want people to see me different. I do not want my wife (of course in the future) to be unhappy. I do not want my emotional coldness destroys my children’s life.

I’m going to live my life just like any other people. I’m going to relate with other people just like any other people. I’m going to feel the long lost feeling of genuine happiness and love, just like any other people.

~ by demonicparadigm on October 31, 2008.